Turning the Page

When its high time to turn the page but I’m still stuck right here where I was hurt the most. Memories rushing feels like a thousand of stabbings on the heart all at once and then the heart goes numb. I hold onto my chest and tighten it with my fist trying to endure the pain tearfully. The thought of “till when” just kills me from inside. I can feel myself gradually moving towards a depressive state. Just look at how my motivating, encouraging, always positive outlook of life has turned to crying, suffering and pain over time.

Sometimes I feel tired of carrying this heavy heart all the time. Tired of worrying, overthinking, struggled breathing and stressing out. So fatigued and there are no tears anymore to cry. I can't decide how to process what I feel and can't think of what to do, so I sleep it all away.

Hate feelings for not being able to forget and move on from people and memories that are not meant for me. At times, I feel like smashing everything around me and isolating myself from everyone. I don't like people anymore. Feel like walking away from everyone to a whole new place where I'll know only myself. I wish I didn't know anyone around me, just all strangers so that I don't have to bother about anything or anyone anymore. I wish to start loving myself all over again. To fall in love with me enough so that I don't have to depend on anyone or anything for happiness.

The Unfulfilled Promise

You met them by chance and it was an instant connection. The chemistry share was way above your expectations. Yet, there were mixed signals from time to time. He was so much into you sometimes, however, didn't care about you at other times. Somehow your heart gradually started to believe that this was the fairytale you were looking for all your life.

Suddenly all your dreams just shattered and hopes vanished by their actions. But still you can't unlove or hate them now. And to add to this, there remains an unfulfilled promise.

Sunsets were your favourite. How both of you loved sunsets by the beach but failed to watch one together. Remember when he held your hand and asked to promise that you'll watch a sunset together before parting ways. And then, you placed your hand on his and promised. You were waiting for that last meet-up so eagerly but the rain just destroyed all plans.

Sometimes, it's heartbreaking when you fail to fulfill a promise which you once made to someone you love. The hardest part is that you'll never see them again. It makes your heart sick when you remember that you could not fulfill that last promise. You just can't fall asleep at night so you lay in bed trying to let go of all the heart-piercing memories. And now, every sunset seems like an unfulfilled promise. The guilt does not allow you to heal completely. 

Attachments

Attachments by far are the scariest things that can happen now. They disappoint all the time. All attachments will finally break your heart or leave you. Be it love, friendship or otherwise. Maybe that's why it is wise to not have many friends even though you can be very friendly. 

You are very picky when you choose your circle. You choose not to get attached to anybody because when you do you always give your all. You don't understand the boundaries to keep with the people you get attached and someone always get hurt at the end. For you, they become the reason for your mood, happiness and you always look up to them. 

Attachments brings expectations along with them and expectations lead to disappointments. Running away from attachments can sometimes be a difficult choice to make because it is equivalent to avoiding the privilege of becoming happy. 

The scariest part of attachments is when you don't know what to do when they are no more in your life. See, you have given your all to them and now they've become the reason for your mood and happiness. How do you get back to being yourself again? 

Life

There comes a point in life where you start looking at every situation with a little mistrust, a little uncertainty and a little judgement. As if now you are prepared for any heartbreak that may happen at any given time. 

After certain incidents and situation-ships  in life, you’ll reach a state where you will never be able to completely trust anybody or any situation that life may throw at you. You might believe them but still choose to have a little sense of uncertainty so that you will be okay if they too hurt you someday. 

You are now prepared in advance to let go and move on from any situation or person as you already knew that they were going to  hurt you someday. And when that actually happens, you will be hurt but still OKAY because you saw that coming anyway. 

Fairytales

Not all fairytales are not meant to have a happy ending. Sometimes, you don’t need someone else to complete you. You are complete just by yourself. And adding on people would only complicate life and bring endless suffering. 

Sometimes, all you need to do is not find your soulmate but heal your soul. Maybe this journey isn't actually about becoming anything, but more about unbecoming everything that isn't you. So you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

I wish to run away from home, somewhere far away. Where there’ll be only strangers and only I for myself. Where I can enjoy my own company once again. Where I can sit by myself and watch the sunsets. Go for walks early in the morning and watch the sunrise. Grab a beer and dance to  my favourite songs by a lake. Lie down at the beach and gaze the stars. 

I wish to run away somewhere far far away , where I can find myself again.