When death finds me,
I wish it would
Lend me a hand
Like an old friend,
Hold it tight
And never let go.
Tell my weary soul
'I know you are very tired,
Showing up strong all the time,
You can rest here,
I got you'....
And whisper my ear,
You've carried enough
Let me hold this weight for you.
It's all gonna be fine,
Your responsibilities end now.
No more heartaches and pain,
No more trauma and sleepless nights,
No liars and cheaters anymore.
Alone is not difficult here,
You will be at peace....
No matter how good a woman you are, it'll never be enough for someone who is not ready to be a man. And sometimes, being a good woman is tough because the person you desire will run away because they are not worthy of you. And they'll all say the same story, that you deserve better. True enough though. A good woman deserves a good man whose words and actions go together.
If ever life gives me an opportunity to rewind my life I would choose to not have responded that day. I would choose to not have spoken, not have met and not have made memories together. I would have possibly not have fallen in love and not been cheated.
Playing with a heart is no joke. Imagine giving hopes and killing someone's dream and their future while their heart is still beating. Giving mixed signals and lying. They knew right from the beginning that they were doing something wrong to you. And they still chose to do it by hiding the truth and showering words of hope and love.
How I wish I was not played, betrayed and hurt. They say, when you hurt someone that too knowingly that the other person will get hurt when the truth is revealed, to consider it as a loan because karma will return the favor with interest. If that is true, I just wish that on the day of the decision, they don't get hurt as much as I was hurting. I genuinely do. Because I'm sure that they won't be able to endure the pain I went through, walking through life, alone and dead from inside. My life was hell but I had to hide it and act normal. I don't want to see anyone going through that much pain, not even the people who hurt me purposely.
Beginning of this year was a mess. A total mess in the heart and soul. Life tested me with the most difficult moment to pass. Someone’s beginning of a new life became the end of mine. After being in difficult situations for years, I finally felt that my life was getting sorted last year. I had shut myself for all except for one person who walked in like a fairytale that I could not ignore but when that hope shattered miserably, I was done. I accepted the little apology saying 'It's okay', and never said a word to hurt back or ask for an explanation. I quietly walked out of it because it's not my thing to hurt anyone no matter how much they hurt me.
I can’t even imagine how I managed to face it and walk through it. For a moment I felt that I failed, betrayed, and life was over. Everyday was difficult, I hated waking up and I couldn’t sleep. I don't easily get attached to people but when I do, I just can't let go. I had achieved a lot in life and was actually in a good place in terms of career. But I wanted to give it up all. I wanted to run away, maybe from this world. There seemed no purpose to life, and I felt loneliest despite being around my loved ones. And then, places and memories kept haunting my heart. I couldn’t look up at the sky anymore, tears would roll down and the heartache was too difficult to handle. I believe that handling that much of a heartache and still being alive itself is an achievement. I chose to forgive, forgive myself for trusting the wrong people, for allowing toxic people in my life for the last few years and for not prioritizing myself.
I don't know if I will ever recover, if I'll ever get rid of this trauma. I never thought that loving someone with all my heart could cost so much. I will never be the same person again. I had committed suicide, but not in the ways everyone does, not with pills, ropes or blades. I've been committing it, slowly, everyday. In my silence, in my unsaid words, the fake smiles, the hidden crying, the skipped meals, broken sleep and letting go of things I actually cared. I literally learnt how it felt to be dead while still walking, to wear a heart that no longer beats and a soul that no longer feels.
I will never allow people who hurt me, their families or friends stay in my life. I decided to distant myself from every possible trigger that could bring those dark memories back. I wanted peace from all so I chose to walk away from everyone. To start life from scratch. And when I look back at the last three months of my life, I’m humbled by myself. I survived it and made it through so far by myself. It has been difficult, in fact very difficult, but I survived. I am starting a new life with many challenges everyday. Living by self, far from home can be very tough. You need to earn and look after yourself, be safe and handle all trauma and healthcare issues all alone. There is no one to talk to, to share how hard the shift was, or to take care of my strained self at the end of the day. But its better than living in a place with memories that pierce your heart everyday. I'm gradually getting used to enjoying being alone like I always did. I think that I'm loving to enjoy time with myself and I would never want the company of someone else forever. That thought itself feels like a burden. I think we all need to enjoy time with ourselves first because other people are just temporary.
Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. When you cheat someone, you disrupt their ability to feel safe in the world. Their belief in trust, humanity and love will never be the same and they will change forever. If you don't love someone and do not want them in your life, don't ruin their outlook on love and life. You maybe giving them pain that holds a lifetime and filling their minds with insecurity of never finding true love ever again. They'll never trust again and disappear when attachments start building. And the way a person perceive hurt is different. If it's a person who trust too much, give too much and love too much, they'll hurt too much as well.
When a person hurts you, the best thing to do is keep quiet. Say "it's okay" and wish them the best, because if you were not enough for them, your words will not matter at all. You need not know the whole story as to why they did that to decide what's best for you.
Healing from hurt is not a linear process. It's often a very difficult and complicated journey with many emotions involved. We all have our personal and unique way of healing. Do not lose hope if you feel like you are back at square one all over again. Some days will be fine and you might feel at your worse the next day. And that's okay. Just cry. wipe your tears and smile again.
In the end I realised that, the hurt never turned into hate, no matter how many reasons you may have to feel so. We can never stop loving people, like they say you cannot undo the love. Maybe, we don’t trust them anymore, but the love that was felt cannot reverse and it’s okay. And still, the memories may wet our eyes but that sparkle once felt can definitely force a smile in the heart, even if it’s hard on the lips.
I believe that what’s stopping people from letting go and moving on is the mystery that seems still unresolved even after years. I’ve seen people weeping over the same individual even after so many years and not letting their heart fall for any other person. The stronger they once fell in love, the harder they find to let go. They make loneliness their best friend, because the part of the heart once allocated for someone is still right their filled with memories even though the person is not there. How do you teach that part of the heart that the person won’t return? Yeah, that part is stubborn, it knows that there is no comeback but still do not want to give that part again to anyone else. Still figuring out, is it fear? Or uncertainty? Or just stubbornness? Whatever it is, one thing is clear, it feels horrible.
Oh dear SOUL,
Give me the strength:
To endure this weeping heart,
Process this endless pain,
Forget the heart piercing hurt,
Fade those heartbreaking memories.
Oh dear SOUL,
Give me the strength:
To hold on to this life
A little more,
Until I accomplish what I just started.
A little more
So that I can finish off what I’m indebted.
A little more
Till I can free myself wholeheartedly❤️
I feel that I’m still holding on to memories that are already dead and gone. But when you love someone you cannot unlove them, unless, you choose hatred that will over power love. But even then, there will be love somewhere there, at least a bit.
I loved, I love and will continue to love those beautiful moments and I try not to love the person who is now with someone else.
And in the silence of my heart I finally understood that some love stories and meant to be cherished but not possessed. I let go not because I wanted to but because I realized that love is not about holding on to but knowing when to let go. So I had to close the book on us knowing that some stories are never meant to have a happy ending. And as the pages turned I knew that my love for you would forever remain unwritten . In the end it was not the love that hurts but the dream of what we could never be.
So I’ll go far away, away from the reach, oceans apart, forever and forever, leaving all memories and heartaches attached to those places so that I’d never have to come across them again.
And then comes a time when
the emotions are just intolerable,
mind goes insane,
and things go out of hand.
A state where your
heart can't process all the pain,
lungs are tired of the difficult long breaths,
and eyes are burning after crying continuously.
Life is never going to be the same again.
And you just can't imagine
how to live the next moment,
how to be happy with yourself,
and attempt to live life all over again.
Life becomes an act
where you pretend to be okay,
smile a lot to hide the pain,
cry secretively so that no one would see,
suffer alone for things that are out of your control.
Dark memories are to be buried,
but you wonder how stubborn they are,
just wont allow you to rebounce back to your normal self.
and be cheerful and bubbly once again.
And now you decide
to be mindful about your feelings and emotions,
to not let any person touch your heart the same way again,
to be okay with people leaving your life,
and not to give a chance for love ever again.
No matter how much you try, certain feelings doesn’t go away. They are meant to be there, deep down in your heart, to hurt you at times and to bring a smile at other times.
And then you realize that the person who had stolen a part of your heart forever has embedded strong feelings which you just can’t let go of. They keep coming back every time you close your eyes, forbidding you from healing and living life the way you did.
Just keep praying every day for inner peace, for strength to cope with disheartening memories and to live for the people who actually care for you. Keep reminding yourself that memories are only a part of the past, which doesn’t have anything to do with the present or the future.
Just wait for that minute when you do realize that you no more feel anything when you look back at those memories. Count days to escape to that different zone where you can start things fresh, enjoy isolation like before and live life at your own pace.
When its high time to turn the page but I’m still stuck right here where I was hurt the most. Memories rushing feels like a thousand of stabbings on the heart all at once and then the heart goes numb. I hold onto my chest and tighten it with my fist trying to endure the pain tearfully. The thought of “till when” just kills me from inside. I can feel myself gradually moving towards a depressive state. Just look at how my motivating, encouraging, always positive outlook of life has turned to crying, suffering and pain over time.
Sometimes I feel tired of carrying this heavy heart all the time. Tired of worrying, overthinking, struggled breathing and stressing out. So fatigued and there are no tears anymore to cry. I can't decide how to process what I feel and can't think of what to do, so I sleep it all away.
Hate feelings for not being able to forget and move on from people and memories that are not meant for me. At times, I feel like smashing everything around me and isolating myself from everyone. I don't like people anymore. Feel like walking away from everyone to a whole new place where I'll know only myself. I wish I didn't know anyone around me, just all strangers so that I don't have to bother about anything or anyone anymore. I wish to start loving myself all over again. To fall in love with me enough so that I don't have to depend on anyone or anything for happiness.
You met them by chance and it was an instant connection. The chemistry share was way above your expectations. Yet, there were mixed signals from time to time. He was so much into you sometimes, however, didn't care about you at other times. Somehow your heart gradually started to believe that this was the fairytale you were looking for all your life.
Suddenly all your dreams just shattered and hopes vanished by their actions. But still you can't unlove or hate them now. And to add to this, there remains an unfulfilled promise.
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Sunsets were your favourite. How both of you loved sunsets by the beach but failed to watch one together. Remember when he held your hand and asked to promise that you'll watch a sunset together before parting ways. And then, you placed your hand on his and promised. You were waiting for that last meet-up so eagerly but the rain just destroyed all plans.
Sometimes, it's heartbreaking when you fail to fulfill a promise which you once made to someone you love. The hardest part is that you'll never see them again. It makes your heart sick when you remember that you could not fulfill that last promise. You just can't fall asleep at night so you lay in bed trying to let go of all the heart-piercing memories. And now, every sunset seems like an unfulfilled promise. The guilt does not allow you to heal completely.
Attachments by far are the scariest things that can happen now. They disappoint all the time. All attachments will finally break your heart or leave you. Be it love, friendship or otherwise. Maybe that's why it is wise to not have many friends even though you can be very friendly.
You are very picky when you choose your circle. You choose not to get attached to anybody because when you do you always give your all. You don't understand the boundaries to keep with the people you get attached and someone always get hurt at the end. For you, they become the reason for your mood, happiness and you always look up to them.
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Attachments brings expectations along with them and expectations lead to disappointments. Running away from attachments can sometimes be a difficult choice to make because it is equivalent to avoiding the privilege of becoming happy.
The scariest part of attachments is when you don't know what to do when they are no more in your life. See, you have given your all to them and now they've become the reason for your mood and happiness. How do you get back to being yourself again?
There comes a point in life where you start looking at every situation with a little mistrust, a little uncertainty and a little judgement. As if now you are prepared for any heartbreak that may happen at any given time.
After certain incidents and situation-ships in life, you’ll reach a state where you will never be able to completely trust anybody or any situation that life may throw at you. You might believe them but still choose to have a little sense of uncertainty so that you will be okay if they too hurt you someday.
You are now prepared in advance to let go and move on from any situation or person as you already knew that they were going to hurt you someday. And when that actually happens, you will be hurt but still OKAY because you saw that coming anyway.
