The hardest Year

 Beginning of this year was a mess. A total mess in the heart and soul. Life tested me with the most difficult moment to pass. Someone’s beginning of a new life became the end of mine. After being in difficult situations for years, I finally felt that my life was getting sorted last year. I had shut myself for all except for one person who walked in like a fairytale that I could not ignore but when that hope shattered miserably, I was done. I accepted the little apology saying 'It's okay', and never said a word to hurt back or ask for an explanation. I quietly walked out of it because it's not my thing to hurt anyone no matter how much they hurt me.

I can’t even imagine how I managed to face it and walk through it. For a moment I felt that I failed, betrayed, and life was over. Everyday was difficult, I hated waking up and I couldn’t sleep. I don't easily get attached to people but when I do, I just can't let go. I had achieved a lot in life and was actually in a good place in terms of career. But I wanted to give it up all. I wanted to run away, maybe from this world. There seemed no purpose to life, and I felt loneliest despite being around my loved ones. And then, places and memories kept haunting my heart. I couldn’t look up at the sky anymore, tears would roll down and the heartache was too difficult to handle. I believe that handling that much of a heartache and still being alive itself is an achievement. I chose to forgive, forgive myself for trusting the wrong people, for allowing toxic people in my life for the last few years and for not prioritizing myself.

I don't know if I will ever recover, if I'll ever get rid of this trauma. I never thought that loving someone with all my heart could cost so much. I will never be the same person again. I had committed suicide, but not in the ways everyone does, not with pills, ropes or blades. I've been committing it, slowly, everyday. In my silence, in my unsaid words, the fake smiles, the hidden crying, the skipped meals, broken sleep and letting go of things I actually cared. I literally learnt how it felt to be dead while still walking, to wear a heart that no longer beats and a soul that no longer feels. 

I will never allow people who hurt me, their families or friends stay in my life. I decided to distant myself from every possible trigger that could bring those dark memories back. I wanted peace from all so I chose to walk away from everyone. To start life from scratch. And when I look back at the last three months of my life, I’m humbled by myself. I survived it and made it through so far by myself. It has been difficult, in fact very difficult, but I survived. I am starting a new life with many challenges everyday. Living by self, far from home can be very tough. You need to earn and look after yourself, be safe and handle all trauma and healthcare issues all alone. There is no one to talk to, to share how hard the shift was, or to take care of my strained self at the end of the day. But its better than living in a place with memories that pierce your heart everyday. I'm gradually getting used to enjoying being alone like I always did. I think that I'm loving to enjoy time with myself and I would never want the company of someone else forever. That thought itself feels like a burden. I think we all need to enjoy time with ourselves first because other people are just temporary.